The Job InterviewLorne Will See You NowHe Was Always Lorne, Never Mr Michaels He Was Smart That Way I Took A Seat Across The Desk From Him, And There Was A Container Of Pencils That Had Been Sharpened That Very Day And A Bowl Of Fresh Popcorn And Plenty Of Coca ColaSwell Office You Got Here, LorneThank You, Norm I Understand Youre From Canada Yes, Sir, I Said, And I Knew That Even Though We Hailed From The Same Nation, We Were Worlds Apart He Was A Cosmopolite From Toronto, Worldly, The Kinda Guy Whod Be Comfortable Around The Queen Of England Herself Me, I Was A Hick, Born To The Barren, Rocky Soil Of The Ottawa Valley, Where The Richest Man In Town Was The Barber Lorne Was A Bigshot And I Was A Smallfry, And Thats Why I Was Planning On Doing Very Little Talking In This Job InterviewFirst Let Me Say That Lorne Is Often Portrayed As An Intimidating Man, And He Is In Some Ways He Cant Help It He Is Quietly Confident, Smart, Funny, And He Always Carries A Dagger These Four Qualities Combine To Make For An Intimidating ManHe Had Beautiful Assistants That The Writers Had Derisively Nicknamed The Lornettes These Girls Secretly Loved Lorne And Also Openly Loved Him In Another Room, The Writers Sat Around And Did Impressions Of Lorne That Didnt Sound Anything Like Him This Is The Way It Is With All Bigshots And All Smallfrys Everywhere, And Its Been Like That Since The Get Go The Boss Is Always A Big Joke, Just Dumb And Lucky, And Nobodys Afraid Of Him At All And Everybody Has A Good Laugh At Him Until He Walks Into The Room, That Is Its A Different Story ThenLorne Began The Interview By Telling Stories, And I Just Listened And Nodded And Laughed When I Was Supposed To, The Same Way I Did In Every Job Interview Id Ever Had But This Guy Was Different First Thing I Noticed Was That He Was Funny, Really Genuinely Funny, And That Is Very Rare For A Bigshot Especially A Bigshot In ComedyHe Had All These Firsthand Stories He Was Telling Me About Back In The Day When He Worked On Shows In Toronto And Then In Hollywood And He Smiled When He Told The Stories, The Kind Of Smile A Man Gets When Memory Transports Him To Another Place And Another Time He Had Worked On The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour And A Few Lily Tomlin Specials And There Were Famous Celebrities In His Stories, And All The Stories Were Funny And Pretty Soon My Pretend Laugh Was Turning Into An Honest To God Real Laugh, And I Was Choking On Popcorn And Coughing Coca ColaWe Were Having A Grand Old Time Until Suddenly Lorne Got Down To Business So, Norm, Let Me Tell You How The Audition Process Works We Go Down To The Studio And You Show Us Two CharactersI Hadnt Expected This Id Been Told This Meeting Was A Mere Formality, That As Long As I Didnt Insult Lorne Outright, The Job Was MineId Been MisinformedWell, You See, Lorne, The Thing Is This Im A Nightclub Comic Jokes, Crowd Work, That Kinda Thing But Im A Hard Worker And I Catch On Really Fast Besides, I Understand Ive Been Vouched For And I Had Been Too By Jim Downey, The Head Writer And Second In Command By David Spade, The Comic Actor Why, Even By Adam Sandler Himself Yes, Ive Heard Good Things But The Thing Is, Youre A Stand Up Comedian We Are A Variety Show And I Have To Be Sure You Will Be Able To Provide Versatility I Dont Want To Waste Your Time Or Mine I Wasnt Sure He Cared About Wasting My Time, Since Id Been Left In His Waiting Room For Four Hours, Waiting And Waiting And WaitingTell Me Another Story About Lily Tomlin, Lorne, I Blurted Out I Figured If He Could Tell Me Another Funny Story, I Could Start Laughing Again, And We Could Go Back To Those Great Times We Were Having A Few Moments Ago But No DiceThen He Unsmiled His Lips And Got Real Plural On Me Well Let You Know, He Said, And He Looked Down At A Blank Piece Of Paper On His Desk Well, Youd Think He Was A Generous Milliner And I Was The Tallest Man In The Whole Wide World, The Way He Gave Me The High Hat That DayI Staggered To My Feet, Sweating Hard, And Chugged Down The Last Of The Coca Cola As Lorne Meticulously Studied That Blank Piece Of Paper The Way Id Imagine A Sculptor Might Study A Mountain Of Rock I Had To Think And Think Fast But Thats Not Easy For Me I Think Slow Real SlowI Felt Like I Was Back In First Grade And Id Just Failed, As I Always Did But That Made Me Think Of Something Else You See, A Lot Of Times, When I Hadnt Finished My Homework, I Would Bring The Teacher A Shiny Red Apple And Present It To Her It Would Always Work, Of Course What Would A Teacher Rather Do, Read Scribbled Nonsense From A Five Year Old Or Eat A Shiny Red Apple But I Wasnt Dealing With A First Grade Teacher Here This Was The Legendary Lorne Michaels, And He Wasnt Known For Changing His Mind Once It Was Made Up Was There A Chance I Could Redapple The Old Man I Didnt Know But I Did Know I Was Lucky Enough That Day To Have A Shiny Red Apple In My Back PocketWell, I Didnt Have An Actual Shiny Red Apple That Would Have Been Perfect But Thats Not How Things Work In This Here Life I Did Happen To Have The Closest Thing To A Shiny Red Apple In My Back Pocket My Actual Back PocketListen, Lorne, I Do Have One Character Ive Been Working On, And I Think Itll Be A Big Hit The Biggest But I Dont Want To Do It Down In The Studio, Where Some Bum Might Steal It And Take It For His Own I Want To Do It Just For You, Right Here And NowLorne Looked Up At Me With That Stare Of His That Passeth All Human Understanding Go Ahead, NormI Reached Inside My Back Pocket And Pulled Out A Bag Containing Seven Grams Of Government Grade Morphine And Two Brand New Syrettes And Tossed Them On His DeskI Call This Character The ConnectionNorm, I Confess That Your Antics Are Near Amusing, But This Is Not What We At The Show Refer To As A Character Do You Know What We Call This At The Show, Norm No, Sir What A Recurring CharacterI Was InA Debt UnpaidIve Been On The Road A Picklers Fortnight And Im Dog TiredA Great Deal Of Time Has Passed Since The Girl With The Bright Yellow Hair And The Bright Red Lips Told Me That My Writing A Book Wasnt The Worst Idea Shed Ever Heard Since Then, I Traveled All The Way To New York City To Meet With A Publisher The Publisher Is A Girl, And Its About Time, I Say Her Name Is Julie And She Has Brown Hair And Red Lips She Got Me A Secretary Whos Good At Typing And Ive Been Working Nonstop I Spent A Month In New York To Begin Writing The Book Im Two Paragraphs Into My Second Chapter And Im Looking Forward To Being A Bigshot Author And Why Not New York City Was The Site Of My Great Success I Made It There And Then I Didnt Make It Anywhere Else I Guess Frank Sinatra Isnt So Smart After AllIm Finally Home In Los Angeles And Im At The Very Back Table Of The World Famous Comedy Store I Sit Alone, Surrounded In Black Thats What I Like About This Place The Walls Are Black And The Floors Are Black And The Tables Are Black, And That Suits Me Just Fine Everybody Looks Pretty Much The Same In The Black On My Table Sits A Bottle Of Wild TurkeyAnd There Is A Glass Beside It The Glass Is Bone Dryjust There For Appearance The Bottle Is Half Full Theres A Guy Up Onstage And I Think Hes Saying Some Pretty Important Things, Because People Are Clapping A Lot And Shaking Their Heads SadlyWhy Dont You Do A Set Says Adam EgetNobody Wants To See Me Do A SetSure They Do They Love You Theyll Get A Big Kick Out Of ItAdam Eget Is The Manager Of The World Famous Comedy Store As Always, He Has A Lit Cigarette Stuck To His Bottom Lip, He Shifts His Eyes From Side To Side, And He Looks Like He Wants To Be Anywhere Other Than Here, All Of Which Conspire To Give Him The Look Of A Getaway Car Driver And He Doesnt Know It Yet, But Soon Hell Be Just ThatAdam Eget Always Wears A Suit, The Kind Of Suit A Poor Man Thinks A Rich Man Wears Hes A Man Who Acts Like A Bigshot But He Knows I Know What He Is He Was A Smallfry When I Met Him And Hes A Smallfry Now Ive Known Him For A Right Smart Spell, Since My Days At SNL In New York City, New York Thats Where I Found Him, Making A Living Underneath The Queensboro Bridge, Jerking Off Punks For Fifteen Dollars A Man He Said He Was Eighteen At The Time, And He Looked Considerably Younger, But He Had A Car So I Made Him My Assistant I Figured Id Let Him Work AtRockefeller Center, Where His Job Was To Do Whatever It Was I Saidto Make All My Wishes Real He Was Good At It Some Men Are Just Born To Do Other Mens Bidding, And Adam Eget Is Such A Man Its A Gift That Pocketed Him Plenty In The Shadow Of The Bridge And He Can Wear His Big Mans Suit And Order Around Waitresses And Busboys All He Wants, But It Doesnt Impress Me One Bit Like I Said Before, I Know What He Is And He Knows That I Know ItWhy Dont You Sit Down And Have A Drink With Me I SayNorm, Ive Been Sober For Five Years, Three Months, And Twelve Days You Know ThatWell, Then It Sounds Like Youre Due, I Tell Him And Then, To Punctuate My Fine Joke, I Take A Comically Oversize Swig From My BottleThe Plain Truth Is That Adam Eget Is An Alcoholic And Thats Why He Doesnt Drink Me, Im Not An Alcoholic And Thats Why I Do Drink Life Sure Is Funny That WayBut My Heart Goes Out To Adam Eget Because An Addiction Is A Deep Hook, And Sometimes The Harder You Wriggle To Escape Her, The Deeper She Goes I Should Know, Because Ive Got One Of My Own I Like To Gamblegamble Money On Games Of Chance And Some Have Said That Its Been The Ruin Of MeGo Up And Do A Set Theyll Love You Theyre A Great CrowdSo Youre Saying Theyre Such A Great Crowd That Theyll Even Love The Likes Of Me No, You Know Thats Not What Im Saying Cmon, Norm, As A Favor To Me I Promise Theyll Get A Big Kick Out Of ItTheres A Lady Up Onstage Now And Shes Saying The Most Unladylike Things, Quite Shocking The Folks In The Crowd Are Looking At Each Other, Astonished They Can Hardly Believe What Theyre Hearing And I Can Tell That They Dont Know What To Do, So They Decide To Laugh From The Hardcover EditionA Driving, Wild And Hilarious Ramble Of A Book, What Might Have Happened Had Hunter S Thompson Embedded Himself In A Network Studio The Washington PostDostoyevsky By Way OfRockefeller Centerthe Best New Book Ive Read This Year Or Last The Wall Street Journal This Book Is Absurd Fiction Scathing And Funny The New York Times Hilarious And Filled With Turns Of Phrase And Hidden Beauty Like Only A Collection Of Norm Macdonald Stories Could Be Esquire Raucousa Hilarious, Innovative Work AV ClubPart Personal History And Part Meta Riff On Celebrity Memoirs, The Book, It Quickly Becomes Clear, Is Also Just Partly True And All Hilarious VultureMy Three Favorite BooksThe Bible, By Moses And Other GuysThe Art Of The Deal, By President Of The United States Of America, Donald J Trump Aka President TrumpyBased On A True Story, By Norm Macdonald I Have Not Read The First Two I Have Read Based On A True Story, And I Believe It To Be Largely Bullshit, But It Is Very, Very, Very Funny Thanks, Norm, For Letting Me Be Part Of This Booker Prizeforliteraturequality EffortDavid LettermanNorm Is Brilliant And Thoughtful And There Is Sensitivity And Creative Insight In His Observations And Stories A Lot Of Comics Over The Years Have Been Compared To Mark Twain, But I Think Norm Is The Only One Who Actually Matches The Guy In Terms Of His Voice And Ability I Seriously F King Love Norm Macdonald Please Buy His Book He Probably Needs The Cash Hes Really Bad With MoneyLouis CK From The ForewordNorm Is One Of My All Time Favorites, And This Book Was Such A Great Read I Forgot How Lonely I Was For A WhileAmy SchumerI Always Thought Normies Stand Up Was The Funniest Thing There Was But This Book Gives It A Run For Its MoneyAdam SandlerNorm Is One Of The Greatest Stand Up Comics Whos Ever Workeda Totally Original Voice His Sense Of The Ridiculous And His Use Of Juxtaposition In His Writing Make Him A Comics Comic We All Love NormRoseanne BarrNorm Macdonald Makes Me Laugh My Ass Off Who Is Funnier Than Norm Macdonald NobodyJudd ApatowNorm Macdonald Isthan A Triple Threathes A Septuple Threat He Is Smart, Funny, Wry, Rakish, Polite, Rakishno, Wait He Is Polite, Insightful, Andaaaaahwarm No Hes Exciting Yeah Exciting You Never Know What Hell Do Okay, Then Make That Unpredictable Add That Up Hes AmazingAlec BaldwinNorm Only Has To Grunt To Make Me Laugh And This Book Is Three Hundred Pages Sign Me UpSophia Amoruso, Author OfGIRLBOSSNorm Is A Double Threat His Material And Timing Are Both Top Notch, Which Is Unheard Of He Is One Of My Favorites, Both On And Off StageDave AttellDavid Letterman Said It Best There Is No One Funnier Than Norm MacdonaldRob Schneider